w a s t e . t i m e . n o w

I’m no communications whiz — but having Mel Gibson write a letter of endorsement for a political candidate seems like a very, very bad idea

I’m back in O-town after a long summer and vacation in BC. Sorry about the hiatus.

I guess a lot of people are thinking about 9/11 today, but as usual I’m thinking about bowling. My last score at the old stomping grounds was a pathetic 127. It’s time for me to start practicing again… and you should too. Get your head in the game by visiting the International Bowling Museum and Hall of Fame . If you really want to flex your lane brain, see the bowling history trivia quiz. Some of these answers are pretty obscure, but you’re up to the challenge.

Alright bowling enthusiasts — slow, low and reach.

You know I’m not the kind of guy who gets into video games. I’m not 20-years old and I don’t live with my parents. But this weekend I caught the fever — rock and roll fever.

You have never seen anything like Guitar Hero. It’s a PlayStation game with a guitar-shaped controller you sling over your shoulder and play like the real thing. It even has a whammy bar.

Choose a character, select a guitar, decide which song to butcher and just give ‘er. To make things a little less embarassing, you get to play with a friend. But it’s way harder than it sounds. Seriously.

Guitar Hero’s soundtrack features all your favourites, from Joan Jett and David Bowie to Sabbath and the Ramones. Rock anthems with only three chords are classified as easy, but my axe grinding through “Smoke On The Water” was still totally lame — and my friend Sarah and I pretty much cleared the room during our unique interpretation of “More Than A Feeling” (which I should point out is a five-chord song).

Now I can’t wait for my friend to get back from NY, so I can try wrangling another guest appearance at the big show. If video game creators ever get smart and make a game where chumps like me can play the drums in the privacy of our homes, I’ll probably end up buying the mother.

Lesley Arfin rocks. Dear Diary kicks ass (and is pretty much the only thing worth reading in Vice magazine these days, aside from the music reviews). Lesley turned 27 this year. She has a blog.

I came across something superterrific while searching for a link to The Golden Girls for the last post.

Check it — a Which Golden Girl Are You quiz! Answer a few multiple-choice questions to find out whether you most resemble Blanche, Rose, Dorothy or Sophia. This little test doesn’t seem very accurate — I highly doubt I’m a Blanche (and you know I wanted to be Dorothy).

This is totally self-involved, but I want to say a quick hello to whoever has been using Google Language Tools to read this blog in Spanish.

Words that are very plain in English sound extraordinary in Spanish — I’m thinking of permanently changing the title here to Días Y Noches Perdidos.

I had an apocalyptic dream about Mount St. Helens last night, and woke up this morning convinced Mother Nature’s getting ready to pull a fast one.

So how’s this for clairvoyance? I predict we’ll all be looking over our shoulders for the big earthquake, and not even see the lava coming. It’s time to start keeping an eye on this little beast.

The National Security Agency believes “it’s never too early to start thinking about what you want to be when you grow up”. In fact, the friendly guidance councillors at America’s largest espionage agency believe you might even want to start considering your job prospects a few years before you start thinking about your driver’s licence.

That’s why they’ve created the CryptoKids™ — a gang of adolescent cartoon characters on a mission. These funked-out mod-squadders want to let non-animated youth know how they too can prepare for a career in protecting the American way of life (well, just middle-class youth really — poor kids should still plan on joining the army).

The CryptoKids™ include Decipher Dog, an Archie Andrews-like mutt who plays Junior Varsity football and dabbles in cryptanalysis in his spare time — and Crypto Cat, a perky feline who learned Navajo from a babysitter and loves cracking codes when she’s not playing field hockey, hanging out at the mall or spending time with her sister who has Down’s Syndrome (no lie).

The team is rounded out by a saxophone-playing squirrel with an interest in engineering, a physics-nerd rabbit, a computer-whiz turtle and a globetrotting fox who happens to be a budding language analyst. These anthropomorphized little vermin are the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They have iPods and play ultimate frisbee, listen to hip-hop and say “kewl”.

In addition to meticulously detailed bios for all six cuddly spooks, the CryptoKids™ website has tips on making and breaking codes and lots of fun games and puzzles. But remember you’re there to prepare — you’ll find information on NSA-sponsored high school programs, descriptions of jobs at the agency and other training materials in the Student Resources section.

I’d love to meet the secretly subversive agents who developed this concept over a beer. As if crypto-fascist wasn’t the first word association they came up with too.

The love boat has sailed, friends. The sixth annual People’s Prom is already sold out!

This doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll spend Valentine’s Day watching Pretty In Pink. Anyone who signs up for a volunteer shift gets in free — and about forty tickets will be at the door if you get to the Grandview Legion early enough. But stay away from the kissing booth, okay? Don’t you know about mono?

Finally, my two favourite things in the whole wide world have become one.

I am thrilled to learn that bubble bath innuendo has partnered with beer-class speed to produce a series of NASCAR-themed Harlequin romance novels.

In The Groove, the first novel in this series, went on sale last week. The book features “a down-on-his-luck NASCAR driver Lance Cooper and ex-kindergarten teacher Sarah Tingle. They meet when his car hits her. She gets a bump on the head. He’s driven to distraction. When he looks at Sarah, Cooper feels like he has been shocked by a loose spark plug wire.”

Do I smell a Booker Prize?

Well, how terrific was that election? I’m very proud of the NDP for gaining ten more seats — but following the longest and most grueling campaign in Canadian history, I’m most excited about having some to waste again.

I return to the West Coast this evening, and hope to get back into retirement mentality immediately.

There’s definitely going to be a brief hiatus here. It’s minus-20 in Ottawa, and things need done. Check back in December.

Drawing on the same quirkiness that inspired Back To The Future II, some prankster at Forbes has done a thing so radical it will literally blow your mind. And by literally, I mean figuratively.

The E-Mail Time Capsule harnesses the enormous potential of the Information Superhighway to let you send email… to yourself… wait for it… in the future!

Enter your address, write a brief message, and choose when to receive a blast from the past. Then sit back and lose 1 to 20 years waiting for whatever dynamite wisdom you’ve just authored. I suggest doing lots to be proud of in the intervening time — or Future You will be pretty bummed Present You had this kind of time on your hands.

I couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t piss-off Future Me, so I devised a flame mail campaign to continue harassing my enemies with regular messages long after I’m dead and buried.

Arlington, Virginia’s Freedom Park is home to The Newseum — an ambitious project dedicated to “helping the public and the news media understand one another better”.

Funded by Freedom Forum (a nonpartisan foundation dedicated to free press, free speech and free spirit for all people) the Newseum is more than a museum. It is also a celebration of the First Amendment — that uniquely American covenant between the government and the people, which guarantees an unrestricted flow of information and ensures the United States will remain forever free.

This wildly successful project outgrew its Freedom Park real estate in 2002, but construction is underway for an expanded Newseum on “America’s Main Street”: Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, DC. Though you won’t be able to visit the new location in person until 2007, the Newseum’s online presence endures as a comforting beacon of freedom.

I specifically enjoy visiting the Today’s Front Pages section. Reviewing this daily scan of more than 300 newspapers from around the United States is a powerful reminder that a free press truly is a key pillar of justice, and the foundation of democracy.

But, bwaa ha ha ha… Tom Delay is screwed.

Cinemuerte, a festival of international horror films and thrillers, will be at Pacific Cinematheque from October 26 to 31. This year’s event features an expanded program that will have you “crying for your mommy by the time the festival is over”.

The Public Dreams Society has announced they won’t be organizing another Parade of the Lost Souls until 2006 — but distributing candy to kids with an unseemly attitude of entitlement isn’t the only way to participate this season. The Mountain View Cemetery will be hosting A Night for All Souls from sunset to 11:00 PM on Saturday, October 29. There are workshops in making lanterns, shrines and prayer flags over the next couple of weeks — visit their site for more information.

I’m off to Smithers tomorrow, where I’m putting on a shindig for my Mom and Dad’s 25th wedding anniversary. Further bulletins as events warrant.

Woman: Oh my God, that guy is totally checking you out. I think he’s on TV or something.

Me: Yeah, that’s Pierre Pettigrew — he’s a Liberal cabinet minister.

Woman: That’s still pretty good.

Whatever. For mo’ better true stories, check out Overheard in New York.

Thursday, September 22 is World Car Free Day. Join 100-million people around the world in cycling, walking, skating, taking the bus or using another alternative method of transportation that day.

In Vancouver, check out the Car Free Day Festival in Gastown for “music, performances and displays that celebrate reduced car use and alternative ways that people can move around”. There’s a parade to kick things off at noon, and a twilight parade at 8:00 pm.

NorthernVoice 2006 is a day-long blogging conference being held at Robson Square on February 11. According to the event’s website, the goal is to “bring together bloggers and blogging neophytes to learn more about social, cultural and technological aspects of blogging”.

On a related personal note, my blogging mentor has left town to pursue new challenges in Germany. I’d like to acknowledge her for motivating me to start this project, say thanks for all the encouragement — and wish her good luck overseas.

Start saving your pennies, because it is on:

The New Pornographers at the Commodore, Sept. 23 (Ticketmaster)
Architecture In Helsinki at Artspace, Sept. 24 (Scratch, Zulu & Red Cat)
Sigur Ros at the Orpheum, Sept. 27 (Zulu)
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah at Sonar, Oct. 2 (Scratch, Zulu & Red Cat)
M.I.A. at the Commodore, Oct. 7 (Ticketmaster)
Arcade Fire at the PNE, Oct. 7 (Zulu)
My Morning Jacket at the Commodore, Nov. 3 (Scratch & Zulu)
Liz Phair at the Commodore, Nov. 11 (Zulu)
Broken Social Scene at the Commodore, Nov. 13 (Scratch & Zulu)
Stars at the Commodore, Nov. 21 (Ticketmaster)

The Renfrew Park Community Association and Still Moon Arts Society host the third annual Renfrew Ravine Moon Festival on Saturday, September 17th in East Vancouver.

The day-long Harvest Fair at Slocan Park “links the Asian mid-autumn festival, European harvest traditions, environmental awareness and community celebration” through live music, fresh food and interactive events. At sunset, everyone gathers at Renfrew Park to “view lantern installations, eat mooncakes and watch a spectacular musical and visual finale created by and for the people of the neighbourhood”.

Everyone knows the best place to spend time with a foxy date is at the drive-in. The Twilight Drive-In is back, and not a moment too soon. Enjoy!

I’m totally entertained by the Calgary Stampede’s Nickname Generator today. Mosey on over to get yourself a genuine western moniker.

My last post for a bit brings you the best in cutting-edge journalism — the Smithers Interior News. Let’s just say I won’t be filing this link under Brain Candy.

Out of nowhere, the Work Less Party does something to suggest they might not be irrelevant, self-indulgent bourgeois posers. The VPD Public Complaints website is a “community response to the lack of transparency in the police complaints process. Unlike the Office of the Police Complaint Commissioner, the VPD Public Complaints database is not run by, or affiliated with, the Vancouver Police Department”.

I’m leaving for Smithers tomorrow and starting to get very, very excited about the Fall Fair. Checking around for photos from 2004, I came across this series of my sister, Brittany givin`er in last year’s scurry race — 1, 2, 3, 4 — and getting a ribbon. My other sister, Nicole, was out with a fractured collar bone, so no pics of her. But whatup with this clown? Whoah, cowboy…

Update: here are the complete photos of the 2004 Light Horse Show at the Smithers Fall Fair.

Vancouver’s Leaky Heaven Circus promises an unforgettable simian experience with Bonobo! — the story of “Kanzi, an ‘ape of genius’, and his kin, our endangered cousins, the Bonobos”. The show runs until August 21 — your chance to waste time while supporting an impressive local arts group. There’s even fortune-telling…

Speaking of bonobos, the Great Ape Trust of Iowa has galoshes full of information about our hairy kinfolk, including sounds of the bonobo (a small MP3) — and the real-life story of Kanzi, the bonobo featured in Leaky Heaven’s production.

Well, this isn’t the most scenic view — it is a traffic camera, after all — but here’s a little glimpse of Smithers.

Thanks to logogle.com for making it possible to customize the Google interface.

Despite privacy violations with Gmail and Google’s shamelessly cutting deals with foreign governments to restrict content — among other serious issues — I don’t want to be entirely negative on the web’s most popular search provider.

So, kudos to those fascists for creating a free version of the software formally known as Keyhole — Google Earth.

I confess to finding the entries of one of my fellow blogsome.com denizens strangely compelling — even though the site is devoted to the lives of his fictional, computer game-generated family.

Do you scoff in disbelief? I challenge you to witness this story of an alien encounter and remain so dispassionate.