w a s t e . t i m e . n o w

The National Security Agency believes “it’s never too early to start thinking about what you want to be when you grow up”. In fact, the friendly guidance councillors at America’s largest espionage agency believe you might even want to start considering your job prospects a few years before you start thinking about your driver’s licence.

That’s why they’ve created the CryptoKids™ — a gang of adolescent cartoon characters on a mission. These funked-out mod-squadders want to let non-animated youth know how they too can prepare for a career in protecting the American way of life (well, just middle-class youth really — poor kids should still plan on joining the army).

The CryptoKids™ include Decipher Dog, an Archie Andrews-like mutt who plays Junior Varsity football and dabbles in cryptanalysis in his spare time — and Crypto Cat, a perky feline who learned Navajo from a babysitter and loves cracking codes when she’s not playing field hockey, hanging out at the mall or spending time with her sister who has Down’s Syndrome (no lie).

The team is rounded out by a saxophone-playing squirrel with an interest in engineering, a physics-nerd rabbit, a computer-whiz turtle and a globetrotting fox who happens to be a budding language analyst. These anthropomorphized little vermin are the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They have iPods and play ultimate frisbee, listen to hip-hop and say “kewl”.

In addition to meticulously detailed bios for all six cuddly spooks, the CryptoKids™ website has tips on making and breaking codes and lots of fun games and puzzles. But remember you’re there to prepare — you’ll find information on NSA-sponsored high school programs, descriptions of jobs at the agency and other training materials in the Student Resources section.

I’d love to meet the secretly subversive agents who developed this concept over a beer. As if crypto-fascist wasn’t the first word association they came up with too.